Here at howawesomeisthat.com, getting dumped is an all too frequent occurrence. On the rare occasion we find someone willing to be our significant other, we get kicked to the curb within weeks like the John Denver 8-track your uncle gave you for Christmas. Dave and myself have taken the liberty of using our breakup experience to write a guide to getting dumped by the fairer sex, which is what girls are called even though many times they are quite unfair.

STEP 1: Realising she's going to break up with you.
There are several signs that she's going to break up with you:
-Flirting with other guys
-Avoiding you whenever possible
-Loud sighs during displays of affection
-A sudden interest in having you do things for her. She is trying to take advantage of you before she gets rid of you entirely. Endulging her can't hurt anything but your finances, but it most likely won't prevent her from dumping you.
-She stops showing her affection for you both physically and verbally.
-She gets a deer-in-headlights look whenever you show up unexpectedly.
-She starts smashing your hardware because she says you like it more than her. That's a lie, of course.

If you weren't such a loser (and we know that you are, because you're at howawesomeisthat.com), you would say "screw this bitch" and dump her before she can dump you. But you're a loser, so instead you'll try to win her back. This will fail miserably. The best strategy for keeping your woman is to never give her the opportunity to dump you. If she gets a serious look on her face or says "We need to talk", start talking about how much bandwidth you had last night, or your server's uptime. "Lose" any notes she gives you, and make it impossible for her to contact you by other means. Most importantly, never say something like "If anything's bothering you, we can talk and work it out" because this will make her go "Oh boy! An oppurtunity to ditch this loser! He even suggested it!". Your message of "If I'm doing something you don't like, tell me so I can stop and you don't have to dump me" will be lost entirely.


STEP 2: Getting dumped.
You've tried all the tips from step one, but somehow she managed to convey her intention of dumping you. Most likely, this involved lots of duct tape, and/or misleading promises. She will most likely use one of the following statements. We've included information and translations about each.

She says: "It's just not working out."
What this means: "I've been looking for a perfect, flawless boyfriend and relationship and you're not him and this isn't it.
The correct response: "But I HAVE been working out. Want to see my pecs?"


She says: "It's not you, it's me."
What this means: "It's you." This is clever on her part, because it prevents you from arguing that you can change. Also, this allows her to feel better about the breakup, because it gives the idea that it's HER fault, not yours.
The correct response: Just turn away and start crying, man. It's over.


She says: "You'll always have a special place in my heart."
What this means: "I like you a lot, but I'm breaking up with you anyway."
The correct response: "How about the left atrium? Can I have the left atrium?"


She says: "We're not made for each other."
What this means: Researchers deep inside howawesomeisthat mountain are still working hard to decipher this statement. Early research suggests that it might be a result of a fantasy romance-addled brain. This condition may be linked to an overexposure to both Julia Roberts films and Meg Ryan films.
The correct response: At this point it is theorised that the best response is "You'll always be right for me, honey."


She says: "I think we should see other people."
What this means: "I don't like you. But there are some other people that I wouldn't mind getting to know."
The correct response: "And I think we shouldn't." Note: Don't actually expect this to work.


She says: "I don't want a boyfriend right now, and even if I did, it wouldn't be you."
What this means: "I don't like you anymore, and this is the meanest thing I can think of to say to break it off with you. So long, jerk!" This is the mother of all break up lines. It is usually followed by statements such as "You're pretty much the biggest jerk on the planet" or "You really annoy me, I would rather go through various forms of Chinese torture than have to spend another minute with you." It takes a certain breed of girl to stoop to this level, but although it is harsh it is sometimes preferred over the previous lines because the girl is probably being honest for once.
The correct response: There are two ways to respond; I will go over both in minor detail. Response (A) would go something like this: "You know what? You're a whore, and you make me want to poke my eyes out with an icepick." Response (B) might be: "You know what? I didn't know you felt like this at all. I am so sorry, whatever you feel like doing with this relationship is fine with me, I hope I didn't hurt you too much." Although response (B) may not accurately portray your sudden immense feelings of hurt and hatred towards the female subject at hand, this may actually be a good way for you to get back at her, and maybe even get her back while you're at it! Try both. I'm sure there will be plenty of opportunities to practice, because if you are reading this article you are estimated to get broken up with at an average of 17.25 times before you settle into a lasting relationship.


And of course, the required:

"Let's just be friends/we can still be friends/we're better off as just friends"
What this means: This is what she says when you haven't done anything to wrong her, so she wants to make herself feel better about dumping you, ignoring the fact that it's quite difficult to be civil, let alone friendly, to the girl that broke your heart. If she doesn't use this line, you must have really done something bad, since it's pretty much required.
The correct response: "Oh boy! A girl that's a friend is almost like a girlfriend, except without all the good stuff! Are we still allowed to make out?"


STEP 3: What do I do now?

You've been dumped. You've got a couple of options of what to do now. You can get over it, you can fall apart emotionally, or you can try to get her back. Pick one, or combine some.


a) I chose to get over it.

Step 1: Get over her. There's lots of other chicks out there that are probably better anyhow.
Step 2: Find a new girlfriend.
Step 3: Repeat. Yeah, the one downside of this plan is that it's endless. All girls will dump you sooner or later.


b) I chose to fall apart emotionally.

Step 1: Realise how wonderful and irreplaceable she was. She was the only girl for you.
Step 2: Make sure to mention how horrible you feel in your Livejournal. And post lots of sad lyrics like "I'd give anything just to kiss your lips again, to hold your hand next to my heart."
Step 3: Mope around. Stare at the ground wherever you walk. Frequently say things like "girls suck", and frequently talk about your broken heart.
Step 4: Hang yourself. If this fails, discuss it in your Livejournal.
Step 5: (optional, not to be done if step 4 is accomplished) Put on some emo glasses. Wear clothes that are too small. Write lots of sad poetry in a small notebook. Cry alot.
Step 6: Never find another girlfriend. She'll break your heart, too, so there's no point. Anyhow, no one could be better than your ex.


c) I chose to try to win her back.

Step 1: Try to swallow back the feelings of bitterness you feel towards her. Treat her nicely, just like you always did.
Step 2: She will most likely start acting like a bitch to you, and treating you poorly. Saying something like "We can still be friends" doesn't actually mean she has to treat you nicely. Or she might act nice to you, which will give you some false hope.
Step 3: Proceed to part b), possibly skipping right to Step 4.


STEP 4: Finding someone else.

Don't.