On occasion the worldly wise folks at HAIT have been known to interview for jobs. On even rarer occasions we have even been known to work (though no evidence has been produced verifying such claims.) Because everything the HAIT crew does is invariably awesome, we felt that we should share our interviewing skills with the public. Be sure to follow every tip to the letter! These are not suggestions: they are tried and true formulas for success.


1. Do not allow your interviewer to finish his sentences. Constantly interrupt him and interject interesting tidbits of information about yourself. This will show that you are good at jumping into the middle of a project and making a contribution. You get bonus points if you are able to interrupt and finish his sentence without any objection.


2. Wear black socks and make a deliberate effort to get your interviewer to notice your attention to proper dress code. This may involve:


i. Placing your feet on the desk
ii. Removing your socks mid-interview and airing them out
iii. Wearing shorts


3. Claim multiple ethnicities/nationalities during your interview (be sure not to use use the same one twice.) This will demonstrate that you are culturally diverse and aware of the unique challenges that a multi-cultural background presents in the modern workplace. Here is a sample dialogue:


Interviewer: "So, I see from your resume that you are originally from New Hampshire."
You: "Yes sir, I'm a born and raised African American"
Interviewer: "Excuse me?"
You: "Well you see my parents are immigrants from Mexico."
Interviewer: "I. wait. what?"
You: "I've faced many prejudices in life as an Italian American."
Interviewer: "You're hired!"


Note: this does not apply if you are interviewing for a position in defense contracting. For this situation you must claim to be a white American woman. Your skin color can be easily disguised with makeup; if the interviewer does not believe you are a woman simply begin to pull down your skirt. They will then hastily exclaim that they believe you, allowing you to proceed with the interview.


4. Invent a new name for yourself and put it on your resume, but introduce yourself using your real name. This shows that you are in tune with the many security and privacy concerns of the 21st century. An incredulous look on the interviewer's face should indicate that you have successfully performed this classic bait and switch.


5. Make sure you email your resume to hundreds of different companies and include your social security number on each one. This way they can quickly access all your personal information without having to contact you.


6. A hot new trend in modern workplaces is the "open office" with low cube walls. These are purported to encourage collaboration by creating a more intimate atmosphere for conversation. Show that you are in tune with this trend by taking an ax to the interview and chopping down anything that might obstruct your view of the interviewer. This has the added effect of demonstrating your physical prowess, which may or may not help you land the job.


7. At some point during the interview ask if you can use the bathroom. Assuming you receive permission quickly head to the nearest fire alarm and activate it. Following this immediately locate an employee of a small build. Break his legs with a swift kick to the shins, then pick him up and proceed calmly to the designated muster point. When you arrive, explain to your interviewer that you intentionally tripped the alarm to show how you can be counted on in an emergency situation. It is not recommended that you tell him who broke the other employees' legs.


You should now be prepared to face any interview with confidence. With this knowledge you will undoubtedly land any job you apply for; the awesome way.