Long Jon Silver, One-Eyed Willy, Captain Kidd, Yellow Beard, Orange Beard, Beard Beard, One Beard, Two Beard, Red Beard, Blue Beard, Scurvy Sam, Poopdeck Pete, and even the vicious mechanical Robo Beard 2.0. All of these people (besides being scourges of the seven seas) are paragons of awesome and kings among men. Yes, lately it seems that pirates have been all over the news and all up in your face (OOOOH!) bringing their awesome with them, and people need to be educated as to exactly what this awesomeness entails.

When one looks at a pirate, a few things immediately pop out at you. If you were on said pirate's bad side these things would be cutlass blades and musket balls traveling at high speed, but if you managed to convince this pirate not to kill you, you would first notice their many missing limbs and sensory organs (mostly eyes, but in some cases noses and inner ears). How did these pirates lose their limbs? You never see any pirates in the process of limb loss. You only see the aftermath, the wooden legs (sometimes with guns attached to them) and hook hands that keep the deadly prosthetics industry alive and kicking. Perhaps all these pirates gave up their eyes in an Odin-esque deal with the gods (in Norse mythology the ruler of the gods, Odin, gave up his eye for ultimate knowledge, whereas pirates would have given up their eyes for ultimate awesomeness), or maybe after a drunken night of watching Evil Dead 2 they all hewed (what an awesome word, hewed) off their hands in an attempt to become professional Bruce Campbell impersonators, because Bruce Campbell is quite awesome. Or maybe, in their attempts to become more awesome they took drastic steps and cut off their own body parts that were not up to snuff in awesomeness or were even fully lame. Well, whichever of these reasons is correct, the ending affect is certainly an increase in awesomeness, after all it only takes one lame hand or eye to ruin a perfectly awesome pirate, and with a hook for a hand this problem is solved because stabbing people with hooks is awesome.

One of the most overlooked aspects of being awesome is a fact that has been skipped over by Hollywood and the mass pirate media over and over again: buggery. Yes the shocking fact of it is that pirates quite enjoyed doin it in the aft end. Think about it, pirates spend most of their time at sea, and between the many instances of poopdeck swabbing (I could make a quite inappropriate joke at this point, but I won't cuz I GOT CLASS BITCH!), Spanish galleon raiding, and going "ARRRR!" the time can drag on for what seems like forever and a pirate day, and a good wench can be hard to find. The result? Nearly every pirate ship is turned into a virtual floating Sodom on the high seas, and despite the efforts of Johnny Depp and the romance novel industry to cover this up, it is the truth.


The Many Species Of Pirates


The Common Pirate: Piratus Commonus

Your average run-of-the-mill awesome factory of pirate-age. He has all of the tried and true aspects of pirateism in one complete package. Most movie pirates fall into this type.


The Spanish Pirate: El Pirato Espanol

Much like the common pirate, except en espanol!! Es Awesome!


The French Pirate: Piratus Pantomus

A French pirate. Most of these bucaneers are actually disgruntled former mimes. As you can see they sport the trademark mime look of suprise, mime striped outfit, and mime beret. Also, for added deadliness the hook hand has been replaced with an awesome and flaky fresh baked croissant hand. They have been known to become stuck inside invisble boxes during the middle of raids, or become trapped in gale force winds that send their ship barreling of course but affects nothing else in the area.


The Female Pirate: Piratus With Boobies...us

What are you, stupid? Girls can't be pirates.


The Mutant Pirate: Piratus Messed-Upitus

This pitiful example of pirateness is what happens when through the normal course of evolution, nature makes a slipup. This pirate has hooks for feet and wooden arms, which are clearly not helpful in the act of pillaging or looting. Most of these pirates are also albinos and hate their lives.


The Pirate Nun: Piratus Penguinus

Most people don't know that the Holy Roman Church was forced into piracy to fulfill the Pope's insatiable thirst for rum and gold, but it happened.


The Blonde Pirate: Piratus Not-Good-Lookingus

Tricked you! This actually is not a pirate, it's GPA member Dave showing off his bitchin' new look! Obviously his golden locks were not enough to earn him captain hat status.


The Modern Pirate: Piratus Nerdus

This modern take on the concept of pirateismness would be very unfamiliar to the scalliwags and hornswagglers of yesteryear. Whereas in the past pirates stole gold, precious stones, gold, virginities, gold, rum, gold, and gold; these pirates steal software, music, and films. Their hands are too important to lose to hook hands, and their eyes too important to lose for eyepatches, so instead they wear glasses and get carpel tunnel syndrome. They wear large captain hats to cover their bald spots and ruffles shirts to hide their large guts. Instead of inspiring fear in the hearts of men, they invite ridicule from high school football players and anyone with lives. They are still awesome.


In conclusion: YAARRR! Awesome off the port bow! Man the mizonmast!!