Night. A Graveyard. The full moon illuminates each moss encrusted (kinda like jewel encrusted, except with moss) gnarled tree with its cold grey light. You stumble through the woods blindly as if you had just received a Moe Howard eye-poke from Satan himself. Where is this? How long have you been running? Why are you out here? How the fuck should I know? Figure it out your own damned self, I'm the narrator not god! Suddenly you stumble into an open field, open except that it's full of rocks. Polished rocks, granite rocks, rocks with writing, writing that uses the letters 'i' 'p' and 'r' a lot. You wonder why someone would put all those giant rocks in the middle of such a nice spot for a ren faire, then realize that you're stupid and it's a graveyard.

You step out from under the trees to see more clearly, and suddenly the white stones loom up menacingly all around you like rows of well cut rocks meant to mark the location of a corpse are known to loom, and suddenly you are afraid. The moon is obscured by a cloud for a moment, making your world as black as the heart of a one-eyed nun once more. You feel a rumbling in the ground and you hear a low moan, a moan full of dread and anger and sadness and a hint of lemon. Without warning the cloud passes revealing a ghastly figure standing before you above an opened grave. The rotting flesh on his face reveals pearly white teeth (obviously he was a flosser), his canary-yellow fedora glistens in the moonlight. He turns to you, opens his mouth and screams "BRAINS!!!", thrusting his arms at you and shuffling in your direction. You turn around and take off; running back towards the woods, the ground all around you exploding as countless dead hands reach out and grab at the night air. As you reach the tree line you continue to run, not looking back. Running with all your might and panting heavily, you can only let out one word "Awesome.....awesome.....awesome...."

The Awesomend.

Yes, zombies are awesome enough to be expressed in short story form, as I just illustrated. Zombies are about the most awesome thing you can be after you die, with the possible exception of necropheliac victim. They demonstrate many of the characteristics of solid classic awesomeness: violence, inability to stop killing, pack hunting (or is it is called by zombie behavioral researchers "awesome instinctual behavior in groups"), easily recognizable speech (in this case a language composed entirely of moans, groans, and the word "brains" with variations in pitch tone and meter), a slight rotting smell, an extensive DVD library (with such prestigious titles as "Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things" and "Return Of The Living dead 3"), and knitting skill to rival the great Liberace!

The real thing that separates zombie awesome from any other type of awesome is the way they react to different situations. While your Average Joe off the street would react in pitiful regular ways to everyday situations, and your Awesome Joe off the street might be able to spice it up a little, zombies use the same tried-and-true response every time no matter the situation. It isn't always the best response or the most appropriate, but it's the zombie's dependability that give it strength. Here are a few example:


-Your boss chews you out for a small mistake that wasn't even your fault.

Average Joe: Sits there and twiddles his nails, chews his thumbs, pees his pants, and gets fired.

Awesome Joe: Bursts through the wall of the office causing his boss to forget the small mistake and instead of chewing him out, falls down in worship.

Zombie: Ignores the many memos about his sloppy work in favor of eating people.


-A cop pulls you over for running a red light that you were sure was yellow.

Average Joe: Takes the ticket and ends up paying his surgery money to the state thus dying of cancer or AIDS or something.

Awesome Joe: Rips up the ticket into little pieces that turn into doves that carry the cop off to the land of magic and rainbows, thus getting out of the ticket.

Zombie: Can't drive because he ate the lady who was going to take his picture at the DMV, then ate the cop that would have pulled him over in this hypothetical situation, then ate the person who would have sold him the car, so no tickets for him.


-Your alarm clock breaks during the night so it doesn't ring in the morning.

Average Joe: Sleeps in exactly one half hour, rushes through his early morning routine, spills coffee on his brand new and sexy shirt, and because of this does not get laid by the secretary he's had his eye on.

Awesome Joe: Sleeps in several hours late, but uses the rest of the day to invent a time machine to go back and wake up his past self. His past self decides to take the day off anyways to watch a Cheers marathon.

Zombie: Wouldn't sleep anyways, since they're always busy eating people.


-A warrior race of aliens from beyond our understanding invade Earth, our armies are useless against them and they move on to enslaving our species.

Average Joe: Labors in the overlord's gold mines for the rest of his natural life, never allowed to see blessed sunlight again, and selected to mate a very ugly women with no teeth he is forced to have sex with every night.

Awesome Joe: Fights his black friend in a back alley for about 20 minutes, then goes back to his wrestling career.

Zombie: Upon finding the aliens good to eat, devour them and then eat the rest of the near-decimated human population.


In conclusion: George Romero is the greatest film-maker of all time.